It’s not easy to explain it to people. You can’t just call your boss at work and say that you won’t be doing any work whatsoever today because you suffer from a case of debilitating depression that’s rendered you practically useless to anyone and everyone in the world.
You can’t respond to your spouse when they ask what’s wrong and why you look so down.
The answer is, just because…
Of course, you can’t even say these words, it’s just the general notion of the nothingness that you feel inside. There is no answer you can offer yourself or the world.
It’s a blanket of utter misery that you feel engulfing your every sense. It stops you from enjoying everything and anything that used to bring you joy and pleasure. It makes you irritable, intolerant, and pretty much an asshole to everyone. It makes you want to crawl into a deep hole into darkness and complete sensory deprivation.
It’s got a physical presence. It’s heavy on your shoulders. It weighs like a stone on your chest. It anchors your head down and pours concrete over your facial expressions.
It turns you into an insufferable mute who is unable to utter a single word or acknowledge anything being said to them.
People who have been depressed before know what you mean, but to everyone else, it’s impossible to explain. No one will ever believe you even if you try.
So, you tell your spouse you’re upset about something at work and you tell your boss you are sick. You tell your mom you’re not fully awake yet and your brother that you’re worried about money issues. And if anyone else asks maybe you tell them you haven’t had enough sleep.
But, those things are still there on your good days as well. They don’t really cause that dip into unexplained, unmitigated, and unmanageable despair.
You feel it when it lifts away as well. Your soul feels significantly and unequivocally lighter. You can feel joy, love, and hope. You can function.
Going to doctors to prescribe antidepressants is not an answer. It could actually work against you and set you back further. You’re overmedicated as is. Or that’s what I tell myself anyway.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or suffering under the crushing burden of such depression, just know that you’re not alone.
These days I believe there is a diet/food connection. That it’s related to chronic inflammation and insulin resistance. I believe that with the proper diet and the consistent practice of fasting I will be able to get over my lifelong suffering from depression.
It’s not something that I wish upon my worst enemy.
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